October 6, 2004

There is nothing - there is risk

The title of this entry is a phrase you've probably seen before if you've looked at my facebook profile or my away messages in the past couple days. Lately I've been coming to realize how true these six words are. The first time I saw them was on the online journal of my brother Ralph's college roommate, Steve, who left the US to move to Australia shortly after graduating college. It was a big risk to say the least. The word never really took any significance for me until I realized the source.
Second semester of my freshmen year I took my first creative writing workshop here at U of I. I got into a class with Michael Madonick, who was recommended to me by Steve. While I was taking this class, the relationship I'd been in for the last two years was falling apart. One day in class Madonick brought in an essay he had published in the Florida Review and read it aloud to the class. It really resonated with me because it was all about, or at least mostly about, a failed relationship of his. I think I want to share a part of it here. If you want to read the whole thing sometime, ask me about it. It's called "The Box." This part describes an encounter with critically acclaimed novelist Richard Powers, who teaches here.

"Just last week I was walking down from the mailboxes in the English Department and I saw Rick Powers coming up the stairs. I gave him some shit about something or other. I like to make geniuses laugh, it puts me at ease. Anyway, he stops cold on one of the stairs before he reaches the landing and he looks up at me, something that I'm not used to from him, he looks up at me as if I'm the genius, as if I didn't graduate from high school 94th in a class of 107, as if it was my evil twin who took five years of first year Spanish. Powers looks up at me like I know something, like I haven't been thinking for months of writing to Lorrie, my old best friend. He looks up at me and he says, you know there's a woman I want to ask out but the last time I asked her out she said she was busy, she said she had research to do. Now I swear he's looking at me like I am the guru of love, like I know something, like I'm not the youngest child. He asks, what should I do. Rick Powers is asking me what he should do. I can't believe it, a MacArthur prize winner is asking me what he should do. Me, I'm still wanting to send irises to someone who dumped me twenty-four years ago. I want my friend back. I look at him, this situation may never happen again. I try for all I'm worth to summon up whatever fortune-cookie wisdom I can muster. I raise my left hand, I what the fingers splay like the feathers of a water-bird, the anhinga, who needs to dry its wings before it can fly again. I milk this moment for all its worth. I say Rick, it's just this simple, there is nothing - there is risk. He moves back a little, like he didn't expect it, and as I look at him I'm wondering where it came from myself. He looks right at me, the genius does, and he says, I like that, I like that, Mike. He walks away."

I've realized recently that this is pretty sound advice to live by. Without risk, what do we really have? It sounds cliche but nothing great has ever been achieved without something being risked. I think most decisions in life can be made by weighing what you stand to gain against what you'd be risking. A few people have heard me say this lately probably, but I really believe it. If something is worthwhile, then it's probably worth the risk. I really hope I can bring myself to live by my own advice. Or rather by Mike Madonick's, which is a scary proposition if you know him. There are so many things I want in life and I know I'll have to risk a lot to achieve them. But I'll just try to remember six little words: there is nothing - there is risk.

Posted by dpetrella at October 6, 2004 8:09 AM | TrackBack
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