February 11, 2006
Guide to Pretending to be a Part-Time Artist
A quick and easy guide to pretending to be a part-time artist:
Step one: Get an idea. Most people will tell you ideas come from books, movies, music, or something in your everyday life. I think new ideas went extinct around the same time as the dodo bird. In fact, ideas were probably made extinct by overeating on the part of dodo birds. Remind self to thank the next 17th century explorer you meet for making dodo birds extinct. Fuck dodo birds.
Step two: Get angry over lack of ideas in your shithole you call a life. Blame someone. It doesn't matter as long as people are involved. Be extremely nasty as you tell them off in your head. After all, they fucked up your life in the first place. Consider making this your idea. Reject this notion because then you'd have to justify blame.
Step three: Declare original project foolish and give up indefinitely. It was probably a waste of time anyway. Devote more time to your favorite semi-charitable hobby. Blame the system for not giving you the money to devote all your time to said hobby.
Step four: Continue to live your shithole life as you normally would. Harbor new, possibly false, anger at the recipients of your mental tirade from step two. Spit on a picture of a dodo bird. Wipe spit off of computer screen.
Step five: Get kicked in the skull by a muse at the moment you are least able to do anything about it. This is likely to happen when you are very tired, intoxicated, or just caught in a particularly poetic moment far removed from the ability to record it. Blame Bill Gates for not inventing a device to turn fleeting ideas into concrete ones.
Step six: Forget results of muse kick to the head. Blame communists. Or dodo birds. Yeah, definitely blame dodo birds. I mean, if they wouldn't have been there to eat all the new ideas, you'd have them coming out of your ears.
Step seven: Remember that you had an idea but not what the idea is. You realize that the very memory of an idea means that your next project might just work, so you start another one. Blame yourself for not believing in your work.
Step eight: Repeat steps one through seven.