March 10, 2009

Not Real Socks

Why would anyone wear half a hat? Go back to the store and tell them to give you the rest of the hat, they cheated you.
-George Carlin


There's a question of great importance that has been keeping me up at night: What is up with ankle socks? I do not understand them. Of course, if they're worn on the grounds of fashion, something that thoroughly boggles my mind, then I've no hope of understanding, but I have to believe that there's some shred of practicality to them. I just can't find it. Let's start at the beginning.

In the beginning there were feet, and they were cold. Then someone said, "Let our feet be warm," and there were socks to cover the feet. In those days, people didn't want their pants dragging on the ground, so the pants did not reach the ground, but were hemmed a few inches above it. Thus, there was a gap between where the sock ended and the pant leg began, necessitating the need for socks that extended up the ankle. This is the first role of the sock.

Now it came about that folks were wearing shoes. However, the shoes did not react well with foot moisture, resulting in blisters and smells of questionable taste. Thus, a layer was needed between the shoe and the foot, which would keep the skin from rubbing while also somewhat containing any stenches that needed containing. This is the second role of the sock.

These are the two roles of socks, as they have been passed down to me. Ankle socks would seem to fulfill the second role at first glance, but what of the first? Exactly, nothing, your ankles are out there in the cold (terrible pun totally intended). What is the point of covering your feet if you're going to allow your ankles to freeze? I realize that feet get all the press, what with cold feet, happy feet, and feet fetishes, but if ankles are second-class body parts, must they also be uncomfortable?

However, as to the seond role, who wears shoes that don't extend past where the foot meets the ankle? I can't speak for everyone, but all the shoes I own come at least partially up my ankle for support and stability. The ankles socks don't even come up out of the shoe. The result is an irritating ring of skin to shoe contact, violating the second rule of socks. As a marginally productive member of society, I don't need that kind of silly distraction lowering my productivity.

I'll even give you an economic reason: real socks create more jobs. It takes more time and fabric to make a full-sized sock, requiring more workers. With the situation that our country is in, we need to each do our part to try and create jobs. If you're going to wear ankle socks you need to ask yourself if you're ok with putting someone out of work for a sock of questionable worth. And suppose it's only for fashion purposes. I would think that you'd have to be pretty self-centered to be putting folks out of work in the name of accessories that are rarely seen.

Of course, take my words with a grain of salt as I've been known to still wear my old football socks that extend nearly to my knee, even when I have other socks clean. When asked what they think about being passed over for giant maroon monstrosities, my white crew socks are essentially speechless. They know that they won't be replaced by any new-fangled ankle socks, so I like to think they understand.

Posted by chupathingy on March,10, 2009 at 3:15 AM | Comments (2)

obviously you don't understand the effects of kankles


Comment by: jen at 8:50 AM, March, 11, 2009


When my ankles are cold, I'M cold. I unfortunately own some ankle socks that I got some christmas or something. And I always avoid them like the plague until I'm out of real socks. My ankles dictate my entire body temperature.


Comment by: Dan K at 9:42 AM, March, 11, 2009