Right now I have made a conscious decision to distract myself. What I really should be doing right now is studying for the 2 finals I have scheduled for 8am tomorrow. I should be seriously working hard on this for a variety of reasons...ya know, being in danger of failing both classes, not having actually gone to class in weeks, and the fact that I need to somehow learn the material so well I can take both finals simultaneously. Well not really, since they are in 2 different places, it's gonna be more like a Flintstone's episode. And lucky me, the finals have absolutely to do with each other, so that coupled with the fact that they are being given at such an UNGODLY hour in the morning and I won't be sleeping tonight, there is about a 100% chance of me confusing myself. So i'm gonna fail anyway, what's the point?

Okay, so I'm lying, there is a conflict exam, but its pretty much right after the first one, so it'll hardly be a different situation. I'll just have a little more time.

But everyone is taking crazy pills. One of my roomates claims to have read 3 million pages of textbook and still thinks he's gonna bomb, may as well sleep. A girl I know has suddenly developed a craving for sweatpants and cheez its. And yet another one of my friends has made a hobby of visiting the local orphanage and kicking babies in the face ("That's what they get for not having finals!"). GUYS! This is college, the only time we can drink ourselves retarded on a semi-daily basis and NOT be called alcoholics! We don't need to be losers with our sleeping and our sweatpants and our baby kicking, we are the funnest people on the planet.

So here's what you do. Chill out. Do this outside, it's fricken freezing. Come back inside. Crack open some Boone's, and your worries will disapear. Then, before you ever check your grades or write a resume, or go to a job interview, do the same. Sure, you may have failed something or severly hurt your GPA, but if you are only thinking about that while drunk, you'll associate bad grades with good times. And the world will be a happy place.

Note: I refuse to hold myself accountable for anyone seriously following these instructions. If you are taking me seriously, I'm just going to assume you were drunk even before you started reading this, and therefore I cannot possibly be blamed.