(.26.Dec.04.)
-- 2:03 AM--

So I was thinkin about the Bible...what a great way to start a post.

More specifically, the beginning of Genesis. Creation. The story of Adam and Eve and original sin. For anyone who doesn't know what I'm talking about, here's a breif synopsis: God creates the world and Adam and Eve, says, "Hey, eat from the tree of Life, but don't touch the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil or you'll die. Then a serpent comes along and convinces Eve that the tree of...KGE...will make her godlike in wisdom. So she does. And then humanity is banished from Eden."

A breifer synopsis would be, "God gave mankind a choice: Enlightenment, or and everlasting life of ignorance. Man chose enlightenment." or WOman, for any of you feminists out there

A buddhist would be proud of Eve. And that is why Buddhists are evil.

But seriously, is the serpent really that bad? I've read Tuck Everlasting, immortality doesn't seem to be all that great. Enlightenment, on the other hand, sounds pretty tempting. And that is a basic part of Buddhism...either you reach elightenment and go to Nirvana (or cease to exist), or you live forever in a constant cycle of rebirth. Is that serpent really all that bad...besides being a nasty snake? Sounds like some may say that he led Eve to the right choice...like Neo. He took that pill.

Thinking about this, it should come as no suprise that the snake is an ancient symbol for enlightenment. Look it up in a dream dictionary thing (having a New Age mommy might help with that). But in case you don't put stock into that crap, as I don't, there are other places where you can find the snake being used this way.

caduceus The Caduceus is a symbol that I can't seem to find an exact orgin for, but seems to be pretty ancient. You probably have seen it on the sides of ambulances or in hospitals; it has also been called the physicians staff. From what I've read/been told, the caduceus consists of two snakes ("the kundalini") winding their way up the spine towards the third eye, and upon reaching the third eye, enlightenment is reached, as symbolized by the wings. I guess the reason this symbol is used in medicine is due to the fact that medicine used to be tied closely with religion.

So, based on all that, it would seem to me that the story was written by greedy Hebrew preists that didn't want others to share in their knowlege, as it was the secret to their power. So they wrote some stories to glorify ignorance, making God seem like a jerk who didn't want any man to gain his knowlege.

On the other hand, there is Kabbalah. To them, the Tree of Life represents a journey towards enlightenment.

So, maybe, God intended us to reach enlightenment. However, he gave the option of living a full life in preperation for enlightenment, a gradual journey, or getting it instantly (like people say they do when they are on PCP). Eve decided to drop some acid, played with a talking snake, and then ran out of Eden because she thought a flaming sword was chasing her.

Seems like as good an explanization as any.

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(.22.Dec.04.)
-- 6:17 PM--

So now I'm home. It's nice to not have to do so much work, and I've yet to find a time tat it's been overly difficult to occupy myself. I actually feel busy. So it's not as bad as I thought it might be. We'll see how the future turns out.

Anyway, here is my account of an interesting event of today.

The Bank of St. Nicholas

Today my brother and I decided we should probably go get some stuff for our relatives, being Christmas and all. But we wouldn't be getting money from them until Christmas, so we needed another way to fund our little gift-getting expedition, so we gathered a couple jars of change we had that were given to us as an "I don't want to deal with this, you take it" gift. We were gonna just take it to the mall and dump it on the counter of Carson Parie Scott yelling "What can I get for this much?", but decided that attempting to count out 1748 pennies might make the line of people behind us angry enough to form a collaborative effort to murder us. So we hit up the bank.

We got to the bank and went up to a teller. Lo and behold, standing right next to us was none other than good ol' St. Nick! We were starstruck. I wanted so badly to ask him to tell me the true meaing of Christmas, but I just couldn't speak. He gave a good "Ho Ho Ho!" as he saw us walking to the counter lugging 2 giant jars of change. He had the fat and the beard, the bald head, everything but the suit. But we realized that Santa probaly only wears that red suit in cartoons cause it is more cartoony. The real Santa wears western business attire, but that would frighten children. Business men are scary.

Standing next to him, it was easy to determine why he was there. He had just attempted to withdraw $5000. Obviously, the elves were under quota and he needed to do some last minute shopping.

However, the bank had run out of $100 bills due to the Holiday Season, and had to pay Santa in 20's. This was apparently an outrage. Santa began to verbally attack the mild mannered teller and threatened a lawsuit. He seemed to have some sort of legal reason to sue them, but I couldn't hear it.

My inner child was crying too loudly at what a dick Santa is.

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(.15.Dec.04.)
-- 4:06 AM--

(I'm drunk)

I'm done. done with finals. I have no more to do with this school for at least another month. So, of course a celebreation is in demand.

So, I go out tonight, to the Cly. Wine night. Me, francis, hollister, and the b. We chill for a while a table that was easy to obtain due to our earlyness (we got there before 10, no cover). Eventually a couple of girls came up and sat behind us, which eventually led to holler buyng them drinks that he was bale to get from a wristband that I got him a few weeksa ago. Din't matter though, he didn't invite them to sit with us (not that i'm saying i'd do any better) and they eventually left with a couple other guys.

Another thing to point out here is just how sexist Brend is...he has these ideals in a woman, 1) shorter and lighter than he is 2) likes to stay home and 3) knows when to shut up. Yuh huh. He's single if any of you girls want him.

He also has this crazy idea of reading the encyclopedia to his children as betime stories. I guess he feels it'll be educational....I guess it's kind of the opposite side of the spectrum as the idea of a freind of a friend to throw shiny rocks for his children to collect while he drinks and bangs his wife/mistress/babysitter. whatever, he's nuts.

Anyway, we sat in content with ourselves as we got drunk, girls come and go, whatever. Brend starts talking to a girl at length who has a gay guy friend with her...the rest of us gradually exuse ourselves downstairs.

There was a bit of dixcussion over the quality of girl she was, but I didn't care. he was getting more than I was. I didn't think she was half bad in the first place, but whatever.

Brend eventually catches up to us and somehow partially blames his not hooking up with the fact that we left some stuff at the table and he didn't want us to feel like he left it there for others to steal. whatever, he could have called us to tell us that instead of calling us to find out where we were as he left.

Anyway, we end up sitting at another table and a girl comes over to talk to us. Dan apperntly knew her friend or something, but hadn't said "Hi" to her yet. This girl (Dana, Holler, for the last time) started talking to us, and even called us all "[some-word-meaning-something-like-unbeleivably] attractive". Whether she meant that we all were or not, it still felt good. On the other hand, I still got the feeling that she only said it to me cause she said it to everyone else. I've got some confidence problems (stemming mainly from that whole thing that no girl has ever been interested in my appearance, or ever seriously interested about anything about me ever, that I know of) but at least she was nice.

After a while, I noticed that she and Holler were getting close and talking a lot. Maybe it was his proximity that got him such an in, but I didn't care, he was getting something. Good boy. Soon enough, we got the wave, so we excused ourselves and left.

What perturbed me a bit was Dan's reaction. He seemed to think he was talking to the girl just as much as Holler, but since he wasted his time being distracted by another girl for a while he couldn't make a move.

I couldn't handle it, so I ran home crying and naked. Not really, but we had a little tiff and he ran home after w got off the bus.

Dan, you are my best and oldest friend, I love you. This love makes it harder for me to just accept any opinoin you have. You are most annoyed by your best friends and your worst enemies. Understand that the disagreement from myside is not to hurt you, just that I am comforatble enough with you that I know I can express my opinoin without you hating me for too long.

SO there's taht. We later ahd a discussion where it became apparent that he consiered me a cock block and that i had no other goal than stopping him from gettnig any, and that i thought he was a self centered asshole that only had concern for himself.

Hopefully we've cleared that up, as neither of us have given each other any evidence in any direction.

And Holler agrees with everyone.

I guess I can't blame him though, I've been in that situation too.

So I'm gonna go drink some water now. And Dan: Couter doesn't hat you, he only hates that he thinks you hate him. I know Couter better than anyone, whehter you have faith in my head or not.

To everyone: I sove your freindship. I value it above al else. Don't let me lose it, I'll form a hole in my heart that may never be filled. Not a physical hole, for all you retards out there, but seriously. I might cry myself to sleep thinking about this. Be strong, Michael. Be strong.

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(.13.Dec.04.)
-- 9:16 PM--

Right now I have made a conscious decision to distract myself. What I really should be doing right now is studying for the 2 finals I have scheduled for 8am tomorrow. I should be seriously working hard on this for a variety of reasons...ya know, being in danger of failing both classes, not having actually gone to class in weeks, and the fact that I need to somehow learn the material so well I can take both finals simultaneously. Well not really, since they are in 2 different places, it's gonna be more like a Flintstone's episode. And lucky me, the finals have absolutely to do with each other, so that coupled with the fact that they are being given at such an UNGODLY hour in the morning and I won't be sleeping tonight, there is about a 100% chance of me confusing myself. So i'm gonna fail anyway, what's the point?

Okay, so I'm lying, there is a conflict exam, but its pretty much right after the first one, so it'll hardly be a different situation. I'll just have a little more time.

But everyone is taking crazy pills. One of my roomates claims to have read 3 million pages of textbook and still thinks he's gonna bomb, may as well sleep. A girl I know has suddenly developed a craving for sweatpants and cheez its. And yet another one of my friends has made a hobby of visiting the local orphanage and kicking babies in the face ("That's what they get for not having finals!"). GUYS! This is college, the only time we can drink ourselves retarded on a semi-daily basis and NOT be called alcoholics! We don't need to be losers with our sleeping and our sweatpants and our baby kicking, we are the funnest people on the planet.

So here's what you do. Chill out. Do this outside, it's fricken freezing. Come back inside. Crack open some Boone's, and your worries will disapear. Then, before you ever check your grades or write a resume, or go to a job interview, do the same. Sure, you may have failed something or severly hurt your GPA, but if you are only thinking about that while drunk, you'll associate bad grades with good times. And the world will be a happy place.

Note: I refuse to hold myself accountable for anyone seriously following these instructions. If you are taking me seriously, I'm just going to assume you were drunk even before you started reading this, and therefore I cannot possibly be blamed.

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(.09.Dec.04.)
-- 5:13 PM--

Author's note: Much of the ideas and lines for this entry were influenced (read: blatently plagarized) from from this story. So you should definitely read that story. It's good. I don't get inspired by crap. So read it and like it, even if you don't read this one.

Maybe I should turn back. Maybe I should speed up. Maybe I had pushed the blade too far...

Everything will be okay, I said to myself as I let my foot sink onto the accelerator. They'll be in too much shock to call the police immediately. My actions were very much unlike anything I would ever do until now. I wouldn't be surprised if half of them didn't even believe it happened even after they saw it. But they'd all come to their senses eventually, and then I'd be in trouble. And if I'd stayed then there'd be double.

I watched my speed to make sure no one would suspect too much, but kept a steady pace towards Indiana. I'd thought about running to Memphis to see what was so fucking alluring about it to some people, but then thought, hey baby, I need some time. So I decided to cross the state line as quickly as possible.

He'll be fine, I thought. It'll probably end up all the better for him. Sure, he'll be hospitalized for a little while, of course, but he won't be alone...he'll come to realize just how much his friends love him.

I on the other hand, would not be visiting, at least not until everyone had a chance to cool down. Maybe I'd call after I'd ditched my car in Bloomington to see how things were going. But I was a new man. Every so often a time comes in a man's life where he becomes dissatisfied with who he is and needs a change. You don’t necessarily hate yourself, but are just bored with the same old drab that fills your life. I'd done it before, but more gradually. But around the time of finals, I realized that I'd probably flunk every single one and needed to change something. Drop out, work harder, anything, I needed some sort of change. So I was vulnerable to anything that could shake me.

And then it happened. It all started so innocently. I was studying for my last couple finals when I decided that I was hungry. Frank wasn't in his room and everyone else had eaten already. I gave Frank a call to see what he was up to, but he didn't answer. I didn't leave a voicemail; I just figured I'd call him again a bit later.

I went back to studying, but soon realized that everything I did was wrong and that I was getting nowhere. I should have gone to class. If I have any advice to people that don't want to end up on the run its "Be cool, bitch. Stay in school". Anyway, I was frustrated, and decided to just take a quick trip to Jimmy John's before making another attempt. I gave Frank one last call just in case, but still got no response. That wasn't like him...

I walked out the door, but where was my car? And where were my keys? I did a funny little spin move over to the side of the house, but only Joe’s car was there. I jog over to the other side, but still no white car. Run behind the house, still no luck. WHAT THE FUCK?!? I wondered if I left my keys in the lock or something and someone took it. I was ready to call the police, but decided I should see if a friend had borrowed my car first.

I stormed back into the house, everyone but Frank was accounted for. No one knew where he went. I went online and started IMing everyone that I know. Kevin knew nothing, Sarah had no clue, even Jessie and Marie didn't know. There was only one person left that might know where he was, so I called him up.

"Yo," he answered.
"Ryan?" Of course it’s Ryan, you dolt, it's a cell phone...
"Yeah. What's up."
"Do you have any idea where Frank is?"
"Hmm...nope, he was supposed to call me when he got done with his errands though, but that was a couple hours ago. I was just about to call him..."
"Errands?" A couple hours? I am oblivious...
"He said he borrowed your car to go to Su--"
"GAAAAAHHHH!"

That noise you just heard, yeah, that is the sound of my brain being bent just up to the breaking point. That was it. I don't know why it happened then, but it did. I probably should have talked to first before I nearly exploded, but human emotion is hardly controllable.

"What? He didn't ask you?"
"NO! HE FUCKING STOLE MY CAR!"
"Whoa...uh..."
"Well, Ryan, I guess you won't be my first kill, I gotta go." Click.

Needless to say, I was pissed. I wouldn't use the fuck word idly, if at all. It was a major stepping stone.

I paced around outside over the mid-sized rectangle that should have been occupied by my car, and finally decided to give Frank another call, and to leave a fucking angry ass voicemail if he ignored me again. However, I nearly broke my phone trying to mash the keypad to call him, so I decided I should probably cool off. Anger dials are hard.

Okay, I thought, trying to suck in all the air in the world, maybe he didn't really take the car. Breathe in....Breathe out. No he took the car, but c'mon, you'd have lent it to him anyway, right? But he's been gone a while, I like to know where my car is...HE PROBABLY CRASHED IT!!!!.............Breathe, Thomas, Breathe....okay, maybe he's just taking longer than expected. Alright, phone call.

"Hello?" Surprise, surprise, he picked up this time. Guilty conscience?
"Umm..." I paused, but if it wasn't him, who was it? "Did you take my car?"
"Well, I...uh yeah." Snap, crackle, and POP!
"What the fuck?" That had to sink in. He knew I'd never say that. I half expected him to question whether i was really talking to him.
“Look, I’m sorry. I was going to go to Taco Bell but then I just needed to get the hell out of there. Out of Champaign. Out of Illinois.” Taco Bell? I thought Ryan said Super K-Mart...You fucking liar.
“Take a bus if you need to get away. Don’t steal my fucking car.”
“Listen, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I just started driving and then I didn’t want to stop. I got a flat so I’m on my way back now. I couldn’t make it all the way to Memphis.” I nearly shit a brick at that one. Why the Hell did he think he could go to fucking Memphis?
“Memphis? You were going to take my fucking car all the way to fucking Memphis?” Are you counting, Frank? YES I'M PISSED!
“Yeah, but look, I didn’t, ok? I’m on my way back now. It’ll be like an hour and a half or two.”
“Well, hurry up. And you’re paying to replace that tire.”
“Of course.”
“Goodbye.” And that was the end of that.

Thoughts of rage clouded my head. Fuck. I couldn't study. Too mad for that. Fuckity fuck. I had two fucking finals the next day, but I had a feeling I was about to fail them both. Shit a fuck Already I was doing terribly in the classes, so I'd probably end up failing them too. Suddenly Frank's idea of running away wasn't sounding so bad...

But why the fuck did he feel the need to run? Run away from what? Did he contract some horrible disease and just needed to get away to save us all? Or did he just hate us so much he needed to get away? What is this, a Less Than Jake album? He just couldn't put up with “that same old crowd that drags him down for another night in this boring town?” Or was this about Jess?

He needs to get over her. I thought he had. I said it'd be better, but he didn't seem to think so. But if he still wasn't really over her, and stole my car to get away, I would definitely say getting over her would be for the better. BECAUSE THEN YOU WOULDN'T BE DEAD, ASSHOLE!

I didn't talk to him again until our Christmas party. We were doing Secret Santa with gag gifts. I had him. My plan earlier was to get him something gay, like a ring or something and ask him to marry me with the hope that he'd kick me in the face (admit it, it'd be hilarious, even if I have to take some pain and sound queer in the process). But things were different now.

So I got him a knife. In the thigh. I felt that the red blood that pulsed out added a nice Christmas-y touch.

Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up let’s go…time to ride from this wonderland of snow.

So here I am. Running, just like he was. Running from school, running from what I'd done, running from the old me. Just running. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. No more school, no more home. I can't say I changed for the better, but at least it's a change. I'm sure I'll be caught sooner or later. And when I am caught, I hope he's more forgiving of me than I was of him. I'm going to miss them all. I hope I'll be able to see them again.

Author's Note: So there's that. As he is a friend, and this just offers the other side of his story, I hope he won't sue me. But he might. And if he does I'll stab him in the thigh.

And yes, I do realize that I am exploiting shock to create humor. It probably wouldn't work as well if you didn't know that I wrote it. But anyway, leave comments. I don't like being in the dark.

(.posted.by.mallio.) | Comments (2) | TrackBack
(.07.Dec.04.)
-- 5:08 AM--

When I have ideas swimming around inside my head, I wonder whether fish have thoughts that walk around in their heads.

Dee for three.

Maybe the hare was a pothead and just didn't care if a stupid little tortoise beat him.

The BFH Drinking Game is awesome and I can't wait for the barcrawl. Too much to do and so much school to get in the way.

Love is a gamble, quit playing craps with my heart. It prefers poker anyway.

Sabotage? Sabotage. Rainbow Connection? Rainbow Connection.

Zach Braff, you fucking LOVE backgammon!!! (1 drink)

Omni Tophat.

Apparently, KDR has a Cooter. While he gets naked and drinks a lot, he pales in comparison to the crazy Couter Mike residing within me.

When giving someone a KICK IN THE FACE, protect your genitals.

All people should walk backwards, and when meeting a group we should say "goodbye" and when leaving a group we should say "morning, dildongs!"

If I ever say "I'm gonna kick it Old Style!" I am not being stupid and thinking that "old style" is the same as "old school". I mean I am getting drunk on Old Style. Not that I've ever said that or anything.

Netscape was founded by Marc Adreessen who developed the first popular web browser, Mosaic, while at UofI. The original name of his corporation was Mosaic Communications, but they dubbed their browser Mozilla, a contraction for "Mosaic Killa". (nerded up, 1 drink)

Abu should have a pet thumbmonkey that he keeps with him under his tiny fez at all times.

What Would an African Warlord Do? He'd hire a child army to write a speech for me. That's what an African Warlord would do. (2 drinks)

There is a place where half the people can only speak in questions and half the people can only speak in answers. If you can only ask questions, you may only marry a person who speaks in answers, and vice-versa. However, there are no rules regarding gender. People are found sexy because they ask thoughtful questions or give well formed answers.

I am less afraid of Hell than of ceasing to exist.

Dinosaurs should run for president. I think they'd have some interesting ideals that would stir up quite a debate. Not that i'd ever vote for a dinosaur though.

Morning, Dildongs!

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