(names changed cause, uh, this shows up in google now...who woulda thunk? hopefully they'll update their cache of it quickly...)

My name is Mike O'M_lley, and you all know how much I rock,
I know all of you want to suck my cock.
But I’m too good for you, I’m the greatest person ever born,
And if disagree I’ll rape you with an ear of corn

So you’re probably all sad that we’re leaving, we may not see each other again
But I for one am very happy to be leaving all you douchebag “friends”
You’re all a bunch of ass-holes, I’ve got a lot to say,
So everyone sit down and listen to why I think that you’re all gay.

I’ll start with an alumnus, adam r*****, that stupid jerk
Uncle Poowater we call him, and it’s a name that works
He’s a grumpy old ass-hole and loves to throw a fit
I hope he finds another room where he wakes up covered in shit.

Dave S****** does the money, and rapes us all with bills,
Then he gets all stabby, and if I say more I might get killed,
I kinda miss the spoon rape, but now he has elise,
And now I want everyone to picture her sucking on his piece.

On to jared r*********, the craziest drunk in the world,
It doesn’t happen often but when it does oh my lord,
Some of the funniest stories come from some of those times I think,
But as we all know, none of them really ever happened. Wink.

Corey E******* is so fucking gay. Just thought I’d throw that out there. I’ll move on to…

Jon S******, be careful with your bike shorts, they’re so tight,
They may not crush your balls too much, but corey sure as hell might,
But if he does don’t worry, give a good old hearty guffaw,
Even if corey has his swords, you can beat him with your jaw.

If you ever need to find andy l******, just look right at that couch alright,
That lazy fucking baststard lays there day and night.
We pile shit on top of him pizza boxes, food, and the like,
But he just brushes it off to do nothing but watch tv or play counter strike.

Here is Dan P*******, the drunken incredible hulk,
Destroying anything that gets in the way of his massive bulk.
Am I calling him fat? Fuck yeah I’m calling him fat.
I’m calling him a fucking cock sucking mother fucking ass of fat.

Good ol’ Mark P*******, that crazy polock ass wipe.
Already farther than any of us with a job and a polish wife.
its college man, slow down, this is the time to get all wacky.
But now that we are done you can go home and have plenty of time for fucking jacky.

Jodi H**********, what a fucking whore!
Getting inside those pants sure doesn’t seem to be a chore.
I know she wants my cock but I just play it cool,
I’m just too good for her because I am not a tool.

Next we have that fucking bitch Rachel ***ee.
Just another girl I know that totally wants to fuck me.
I know I’m fucking awesome, but I’m afraid she’d bite off my dick,
So in light of that I wouldn’t touch that cunt even with a 10 foot stick.

Dan K***** never says a single thing that’s comprehensible,
Some think he thinks on a deeper level that makes it seem unapprehensible
But I think he just strings random words and thoughts that he hears on radio stations
Like a retard mimicking his surroundings in failed attempts at conversation

Jennie D***** is a lesbian, so unlike Rachel and Jodi she doesn’t want to ride my stick,
But she is dating Jon, so I guess that means he has no dick.
But really she loves Jodi, so here’s a secret, shoosh!
If you want to get with Jodi you just have to be a douche.

R*** Holler you dumb-ass you failed right out of school
I need to make you a dunce cap that reads “I’m a fucking fool”
Now you’re not around and some one has a plan,
To prove the age old axiom, once you go holler…you go dan.

Rob Grieg***** is a fucking ass-hole, I hope he dies,
I really fucking hate that guy,
Do us a favor, I'll give you the knife,
And you can use it to, i dunno, make some short cut-off jean shorts, go gay, and start a new life?

I think I know why carrie p****** is rarely around and shit,
It’s because she wants my cock so bad and is pained that she can’t have it,
I just have one thing to say to her and I hope it makes her cry
Fuck you bitch, I hope you fucking die!

And now we have almost come to the end
But first I need to talk about R***** brend.
He’s an old man from the 50’s, in him traditional values are not lost,
But he’ll throw those to the wind if he can hook up with danielle’s boss.

So that’s my little speech, I hope you all learned something,
Now I’m leaving forever. Thanks for fucking nothing.

Right now I have made a conscious decision to distract myself. What I really should be doing right now is studying for the 2 finals I have scheduled for 8am tomorrow. I should be seriously working hard on this for a variety of reasons...ya know, being in danger of failing both classes, not having actually gone to class in weeks, and the fact that I need to somehow learn the material so well I can take both finals simultaneously. Well not really, since they are in 2 different places, it's gonna be more like a Flintstone's episode. And lucky me, the finals have absolutely to do with each other, so that coupled with the fact that they are being given at such an UNGODLY hour in the morning and I won't be sleeping tonight, there is about a 100% chance of me confusing myself. So i'm gonna fail anyway, what's the point?

Okay, so I'm lying, there is a conflict exam, but its pretty much right after the first one, so it'll hardly be a different situation. I'll just have a little more time.

But everyone is taking crazy pills. One of my roomates claims to have read 3 million pages of textbook and still thinks he's gonna bomb, may as well sleep. A girl I know has suddenly developed a craving for sweatpants and cheez its. And yet another one of my friends has made a hobby of visiting the local orphanage and kicking babies in the face ("That's what they get for not having finals!"). GUYS! This is college, the only time we can drink ourselves retarded on a semi-daily basis and NOT be called alcoholics! We don't need to be losers with our sleeping and our sweatpants and our baby kicking, we are the funnest people on the planet.

So here's what you do. Chill out. Do this outside, it's fricken freezing. Come back inside. Crack open some Boone's, and your worries will disapear. Then, before you ever check your grades or write a resume, or go to a job interview, do the same. Sure, you may have failed something or severly hurt your GPA, but if you are only thinking about that while drunk, you'll associate bad grades with good times. And the world will be a happy place.

Note: I refuse to hold myself accountable for anyone seriously following these instructions. If you are taking me seriously, I'm just going to assume you were drunk even before you started reading this, and therefore I cannot possibly be blamed.

Author's note: Much of the ideas and lines for this entry were influenced (read: blatently plagarized) from from this story. So you should definitely read that story. It's good. I don't get inspired by crap. So read it and like it, even if you don't read this one.

Maybe I should turn back. Maybe I should speed up. Maybe I had pushed the blade too far...

Everything will be okay, I said to myself as I let my foot sink onto the accelerator. They'll be in too much shock to call the police immediately. My actions were very much unlike anything I would ever do until now. I wouldn't be surprised if half of them didn't even believe it happened even after they saw it. But they'd all come to their senses eventually, and then I'd be in trouble. And if I'd stayed then there'd be double.

I watched my speed to make sure no one would suspect too much, but kept a steady pace towards Indiana. I'd thought about running to Memphis to see what was so fucking alluring about it to some people, but then thought, hey baby, I need some time. So I decided to cross the state line as quickly as possible.

He'll be fine, I thought. It'll probably end up all the better for him. Sure, he'll be hospitalized for a little while, of course, but he won't be alone...he'll come to realize just how much his friends love him.

I on the other hand, would not be visiting, at least not until everyone had a chance to cool down. Maybe I'd call after I'd ditched my car in Bloomington to see how things were going. But I was a new man. Every so often a time comes in a man's life where he becomes dissatisfied with who he is and needs a change. You don’t necessarily hate yourself, but are just bored with the same old drab that fills your life. I'd done it before, but more gradually. But around the time of finals, I realized that I'd probably flunk every single one and needed to change something. Drop out, work harder, anything, I needed some sort of change. So I was vulnerable to anything that could shake me.

And then it happened. It all started so innocently. I was studying for my last couple finals when I decided that I was hungry. Frank wasn't in his room and everyone else had eaten already. I gave Frank a call to see what he was up to, but he didn't answer. I didn't leave a voicemail; I just figured I'd call him again a bit later.

I went back to studying, but soon realized that everything I did was wrong and that I was getting nowhere. I should have gone to class. If I have any advice to people that don't want to end up on the run its "Be cool, bitch. Stay in school". Anyway, I was frustrated, and decided to just take a quick trip to Jimmy John's before making another attempt. I gave Frank one last call just in case, but still got no response. That wasn't like him...

I walked out the door, but where was my car? And where were my keys? I did a funny little spin move over to the side of the house, but only Joe’s car was there. I jog over to the other side, but still no white car. Run behind the house, still no luck. WHAT THE FUCK?!? I wondered if I left my keys in the lock or something and someone took it. I was ready to call the police, but decided I should see if a friend had borrowed my car first.

I stormed back into the house, everyone but Frank was accounted for. No one knew where he went. I went online and started IMing everyone that I know. Kevin knew nothing, Sarah had no clue, even Jessie and Marie didn't know. There was only one person left that might know where he was, so I called him up.

"Yo," he answered.
"Ryan?" Of course it’s Ryan, you dolt, it's a cell phone...
"Yeah. What's up."
"Do you have any idea where Frank is?"
"Hmm...nope, he was supposed to call me when he got done with his errands though, but that was a couple hours ago. I was just about to call him..."
"Errands?" A couple hours? I am oblivious...
"He said he borrowed your car to go to Su--"
"GAAAAAHHHH!"

That noise you just heard, yeah, that is the sound of my brain being bent just up to the breaking point. That was it. I don't know why it happened then, but it did. I probably should have talked to first before I nearly exploded, but human emotion is hardly controllable.

"What? He didn't ask you?"
"NO! HE FUCKING STOLE MY CAR!"
"Whoa...uh..."
"Well, Ryan, I guess you won't be my first kill, I gotta go." Click.

Needless to say, I was pissed. I wouldn't use the fuck word idly, if at all. It was a major stepping stone.

I paced around outside over the mid-sized rectangle that should have been occupied by my car, and finally decided to give Frank another call, and to leave a fucking angry ass voicemail if he ignored me again. However, I nearly broke my phone trying to mash the keypad to call him, so I decided I should probably cool off. Anger dials are hard.

Okay, I thought, trying to suck in all the air in the world, maybe he didn't really take the car. Breathe in....Breathe out. No he took the car, but c'mon, you'd have lent it to him anyway, right? But he's been gone a while, I like to know where my car is...HE PROBABLY CRASHED IT!!!!.............Breathe, Thomas, Breathe....okay, maybe he's just taking longer than expected. Alright, phone call.

"Hello?" Surprise, surprise, he picked up this time. Guilty conscience?
"Umm..." I paused, but if it wasn't him, who was it? "Did you take my car?"
"Well, I...uh yeah." Snap, crackle, and POP!
"What the fuck?" That had to sink in. He knew I'd never say that. I half expected him to question whether i was really talking to him.
“Look, I’m sorry. I was going to go to Taco Bell but then I just needed to get the hell out of there. Out of Champaign. Out of Illinois.” Taco Bell? I thought Ryan said Super K-Mart...You fucking liar.
“Take a bus if you need to get away. Don’t steal my fucking car.”
“Listen, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I just started driving and then I didn’t want to stop. I got a flat so I’m on my way back now. I couldn’t make it all the way to Memphis.” I nearly shit a brick at that one. Why the Hell did he think he could go to fucking Memphis?
“Memphis? You were going to take my fucking car all the way to fucking Memphis?” Are you counting, Frank? YES I'M PISSED!
“Yeah, but look, I didn’t, ok? I’m on my way back now. It’ll be like an hour and a half or two.”
“Well, hurry up. And you’re paying to replace that tire.”
“Of course.”
“Goodbye.” And that was the end of that.

Thoughts of rage clouded my head. Fuck. I couldn't study. Too mad for that. Fuckity fuck. I had two fucking finals the next day, but I had a feeling I was about to fail them both. Shit a fuck Already I was doing terribly in the classes, so I'd probably end up failing them too. Suddenly Frank's idea of running away wasn't sounding so bad...

But why the fuck did he feel the need to run? Run away from what? Did he contract some horrible disease and just needed to get away to save us all? Or did he just hate us so much he needed to get away? What is this, a Less Than Jake album? He just couldn't put up with “that same old crowd that drags him down for another night in this boring town?” Or was this about Jess?

He needs to get over her. I thought he had. I said it'd be better, but he didn't seem to think so. But if he still wasn't really over her, and stole my car to get away, I would definitely say getting over her would be for the better. BECAUSE THEN YOU WOULDN'T BE DEAD, ASSHOLE!

I didn't talk to him again until our Christmas party. We were doing Secret Santa with gag gifts. I had him. My plan earlier was to get him something gay, like a ring or something and ask him to marry me with the hope that he'd kick me in the face (admit it, it'd be hilarious, even if I have to take some pain and sound queer in the process). But things were different now.

So I got him a knife. In the thigh. I felt that the red blood that pulsed out added a nice Christmas-y touch.

Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up let’s go…time to ride from this wonderland of snow.

So here I am. Running, just like he was. Running from school, running from what I'd done, running from the old me. Just running. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. No more school, no more home. I can't say I changed for the better, but at least it's a change. I'm sure I'll be caught sooner or later. And when I am caught, I hope he's more forgiving of me than I was of him. I'm going to miss them all. I hope I'll be able to see them again.

Author's Note: So there's that. As he is a friend, and this just offers the other side of his story, I hope he won't sue me. But he might. And if he does I'll stab him in the thigh.

And yes, I do realize that I am exploiting shock to create humor. It probably wouldn't work as well if you didn't know that I wrote it. But anyway, leave comments. I don't like being in the dark.

When I have ideas swimming around inside my head, I wonder whether fish have thoughts that walk around in their heads.

Dee for three.

Maybe the hare was a pothead and just didn't care if a stupid little tortoise beat him.

The BFH Drinking Game is awesome and I can't wait for the barcrawl. Too much to do and so much school to get in the way.

Love is a gamble, quit playing craps with my heart. It prefers poker anyway.

Sabotage? Sabotage. Rainbow Connection? Rainbow Connection.

Zach Braff, you fucking LOVE backgammon!!! (1 drink)

Omni Tophat.

Apparently, KDR has a Cooter. While he gets naked and drinks a lot, he pales in comparison to the crazy Couter Mike residing within me.

When giving someone a KICK IN THE FACE, protect your genitals.

All people should walk backwards, and when meeting a group we should say "goodbye" and when leaving a group we should say "morning, dildongs!"

If I ever say "I'm gonna kick it Old Style!" I am not being stupid and thinking that "old style" is the same as "old school". I mean I am getting drunk on Old Style. Not that I've ever said that or anything.

Netscape was founded by Marc Adreessen who developed the first popular web browser, Mosaic, while at UofI. The original name of his corporation was Mosaic Communications, but they dubbed their browser Mozilla, a contraction for "Mosaic Killa". (nerded up, 1 drink)

Abu should have a pet thumbmonkey that he keeps with him under his tiny fez at all times.

What Would an African Warlord Do? He'd hire a child army to write a speech for me. That's what an African Warlord would do. (2 drinks)

There is a place where half the people can only speak in questions and half the people can only speak in answers. If you can only ask questions, you may only marry a person who speaks in answers, and vice-versa. However, there are no rules regarding gender. People are found sexy because they ask thoughtful questions or give well formed answers.

I am less afraid of Hell than of ceasing to exist.

Dinosaurs should run for president. I think they'd have some interesting ideals that would stir up quite a debate. Not that i'd ever vote for a dinosaur though.

Morning, Dildongs!

Holler started it, so I decided to do it.

*EDIT* Kordik (marv) apparently also had the same idea of stealing this from Holler, but he got there first.

LAYER ONE: On The Outside
Name: Michael Thomas O'Malley
Birth date: September 21, 1983
Birthplace: Good Samaritan Hospital, Downers Grove, IL
Current Location: Villa Park, IL (Champaign during the schoolyear)
Eye Color: brownish, kinda looks like sewage.
Hair Color: red
Height: 6'0"
Righty or Lefty: righty
Zodiac Sign: Virgo

LAYER TWO: On The Inside
Your heritage: 100% Irish
Shoes you wore today: Black Saucony Jazz running shoes
Your fears: Insignificance
Your perfect pizza: Chicago deep dish, no meat...or whatever I can afford.
Goal you'd like to achieve: Immortality (in the metaphorical sense, but, ya know, if I could live forever I probably would, as long as I would stop aging at 21)

LAYER THREE: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
Your most overused phrase on AIM: hehe (never lol), iono -or- iunno, yesm -or- yesh
Your thoughts first waking up: Where's the sleep button?
Your best physical feature: I'm prety self critical. Let's go with...right kidney.
Your bedtime: 1-3am

LAYER FOUR: Your Pick
Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi, hands down
McDonald's or Burger King: Probably BK, I just love Whoppers.
Single or group dates: Haven't had a single date.
Adidas or Nike: Don't wear either, but I think Adidas are cooler.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lemonade. Not a big iced tea fan.
Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate cake, Vanilla ice cream
Cappuccino or coffee: Tea. Wait...well, hot tea. And only in Ireland.

LAYER FIVE: Do You?
Smoke: the occasional cigar (okay, like twice)
Cuss: oddly, no
Sing: Hehe, too much...toooo much.
Take a shower everyday: for the most part
Have (a) crush(es): I'm drinking Orange Crush...wait, what was the question?
Think you've been in love: nope :'(
Like(d) high school: Oh the good old days...college is fun too though.
Want to get married: Gotta find love first
Believe in yourself: I'd like to, but I fail myself on a daily basis.
Get motion sickness: I can't do roller coasters, but I can read in the car.
Think you're attractive: nope, but I suppose that'll encourage me to try harder.
Think you're a health freak: Trying harder to be (see above, health is an aspect of attractiveness at its root).
Get along with your parents: yep.
Like thunderstorms: They are fun to go to bed too, but for some reason dureing High School I always wished for a thunderstorm in the middle of the day. Maybe I figured it would be a good distraction.
Play an instrument: I used to play percussion. And the college hit me, so I stopped hitting things.

LAYER SIX: In the past month have you...
Drank alcohol: yes
Smoked: yes
Done a drug: caffine is a drug...
Made Out: I'm gonna say no, but I black out a lot. So I can't really rule anything out.
Gone on a date: nopelydoodle
Gone to the mall: actually, I don't think I have...odd.
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: never in my life. I don't even like oreos.
Eaten sushi: Ha! never again. i had Sushi a while back. It went into the toilet. Through my mouth.
Been on stage: No, but i did act once in an 6th grade play that I helped write. Randy & Julia, a parody of Romeo and Juliet. I was Ben, Randy's friend. Dan was Randy. I don't remeber anything but tripping as I walked onto stage.
Been dumped: Gotta have someone to dump me in order to be dumped.
Gone skating: That's not really a summer activity.
Gone skinny dipping: I've been naked under my trunks.
Dyed your hair: never
Stolen anything: Your mom's heart. I'm jus keeeeding! Nope, no stealing here...not yet anyway...well, I stole the idea for doing this from holler if that counts.

LAYER SEVEN: Ever...
Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes, even in the past month where I was required to drop my pants for truth or dare.
been caught "doing something”: what are those quotes for?
Been called a tease: yes. I mean no. I mean...I'm jus teeeesing! Okay, no.
Gotten beaten up: To a bloody pulp. Or not.
Shoplifted: I'm not strong enough. Shops are heavy.

LAYER EIGHT: Getting Older
Age you hope to be married: 35, not too much before, I wanna enjoy my 20's as a bachelor.
Numbers and Names of Children: 2.5 children, named Human, Person, and Half-Baby.
What is your dream wedding: Something really cool and memorable, I would probably lean more towards non-traditional, but honestly, if my fiancee has been fantasizing and planning it her whole life, I'm not about to get in the way.
How do you want to die: In my sleep, in 2103, at the ripe old age of 120. And without Alzheimers. It used to be martyrdom, but I don't know what I stand for anymore. Though dying for a cause i guess is still ideal. So, if that doesn't happen by the time I'm 50, we'll go with in my sleep.
What do you want to be when you grow up: Something creative. The more I think about it, the less attractive "computer programmer" sounds. Unless I work for a cool company like Google, like with Google labs. Or a graphics company. Other than that, the only other thing I like to do is write. How can I combine humorous writing and computers...no, i don't really want to work for a tech mag. Bah! I guess writing will need to be just a hobby.
What country would you most like to visit: Western Europe. yeah, It's a country. But really I'm torn between France, Spain, Italy, Greece, and England, now that I have seen Ireland.

LAYER NINE: In a boy/girl
Best eye color?: blue
Best hair color?: blonde
Short or long hair: long
Height: exactly 5'8" (okay, for this whole section, I'm really not picky...)
Best articles of clothing: skirts, skirts, and more skirts. Midriff exposing shirts, and open-toed shoes, or gym shoes, or whatever. But those pointy toed shoes are ugh.
Best first date location: dinner and a movie...sounds good.

LAYER TEN: In The Numbers...
Number of drugs taken illegally: well, heroine, cocaine, PCP...nope haven't done them. So none, uless underage drinking is "taking drugs"
Number of people I could trust with my life: In a way, aren't you "trusting someone with your life" anytime you get into a cor someone else is driving? Though in a non-literal sense, I think I'm not really trusting enough.
Number of CDs that I own: I haven't counted them, probably close to 40, maybe a few less.
Number of piercings: They call me metal-man. Because I have no piercings.
Number of tattoos: They call me Inky. Because I have no tats.
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: They call me the PaperBoy. Because...well it has been in there more than a couple times. let's count...Birth announcement, various scout activities, scholarship, Obituary...wait, I'm still alive right?
Number of scars on my body: I got one from a huge fist fight with Jon Swiston. But you shoulda seen him! Okay, it was a race and i tripped over my own feet. I suck at lying.
Number of things in my past that I regret: Well, there are quite a few things I would say to myself if I could go back in time, like: "Stop slacking off in high school. Study, even if you don't think you need to. Take the SAT. Apply to more than one college. Eat healthier, gain weight, work out. Don't eat sushi. Don't get behind the wheel of a car that bear is driving.

Wow, its been a while...I need to start doing this weekly.

Distractions

So last Thursday, I was talking to a friend online while putting off my homework. We both had a bunch of crap to do, but we really didn't want to do it. Ever. Well, maybe not never, but we really didn't want to do it then. It called for a homework strike. So we got a couple others in and went over to her apartment to eat pizza and watch Half Baked.

The next morning I had one mission. Go to Grainger library and do the homework that I put off, no distractions. Then I just needed to turn it in by 3 p.m. and I would be golden. I got the homework part done, and was on my way to turn it in...but then Spring happened...

This year Spring snuck up on me like a big guy in a dark ally wielding a nine iron looking to crack some skulls. And play golf. In the dark ally. I seriously had been so busy the past few weeks that I didn't even notice it until I smelled it.

If you live in Champaign, you may know the smell I am talking about. Not a pleasant one, a really nasty odor that I really cannot describe. I wish I knew the name of the tree it comes from. Ugh. Disgusting.

Anyway, I'm walking with my eyes at the ground and notice this smell, causing me too look up. Wow. It may smell bad, but the visuals are great. The beautiful flowers. The beautiful skies. The beautiful women (was startin to sound a little gay there...had to stop that).

Well, I could afford a short trip to the quad. I had 45 minutes before the assignment was due, no use wasting it. And the Quad was almost on the way, and the scenary on nice days is always gorgeous.

I walked a loop around the Quad and was on my way to Illini Hall to turn in the assignment, but then I noticed that my Bank One ATM was on the way. I needed money, and it was pretty much on the way, so I figred I should get some cash and practice the ancient Asian art of CHA-CHING.

After getting my money, I realized that I was hungry and standing right outside of Silver Mine. Might have been the smell that got me there too. One sandwch couldn't hurt, and I had the money to pay for it.

Into Silver Mine, place an order, get the sandwich, and then back to the quad to eat it. Yummy. Then I watched some people attempt to walk on a rope between two trees while others talked to a guy dressed as a bunch of grapes, and then found a bus to take me home.

But wait, I'm missing something...

That's right, boys and girls, I forgot to turn in the homework. And by the time I realized this, it was 3. Ouch. No late policy either. I decided to turn it in anyway, just to see if he'd be lenient, but I'm not so sure it's gonna happen. The professor is a Communist.

Distractions, distractions, the only reason I was even on campus was to turn in the assignment. But I didn't. But I don't really care, because my distractions were the three greatest things known to man: Food, Money, and Women.

C(.)(.)L.

Let's take a look at the news today...well hello. Looks like America has been getting a lot of spam. So much that it is trying to outlaw it. But somehow a few particular advertisements seemed to get to America, who is reported to have said, "All this junk about enlarging my junk must be an omen. It may be just what I need."

Yep folks, that's right. America is getting a bigger penis.

Amidst all of America's struggles in it's attempt to destroy a "nation" that doesn't even exist after they punched us in the balls, America has decided that the best way to deal with all the world problems is to just stick with their efforts and get a new General Johnson.

It seems they are putting a lot of thought into this new phallus that is to be erected in the name of freedom. Freedom from tyranny, freedom to speak your mind, and freedom to show everyone that you are bigger, and therefore better, than they are. The new construction is going to be very glassy, twisting its way up higher than any other, with glass at the top resembling the super-hot Statue of Liberty holding her torch. Very sleek, very smooth, very sexual. A true glass fantasy.

This could be good for American spirit, as America seems to have been a little depressed recently. A depression that began with Australia finally deciding to drop trou and show the world that it was the actual Big Lebowski (though the measurments were unfair. Australia is uncircumsised.) A depression that continued as everyone in the world lost even more respect for America. A depression that reached it's peak when some jerks decided to fly 2 commercial airliners right into America's crotch.

So I can understand America's need to have this new symbol of power. I personally have never had a commercial airliner fly into my crotch, but it sounds a bit painful. I would definately want something bigger to spread the pain around. Something that can see planes coming and dodge out of the way. I think America's new monument is going to be great, and I'll have to go see it sometime.

"We're in a bit of a pickle," says America. "Sometimes I wish I was around for the Middle Ages, where one carried a sword and was proud. A gun just isn't the same, and people no longer love the bomb. I need this. It's a matter of pride."

You're right, America. Go for it. Stand tall. Stand proud. And when you're down, hang low. You have the power. Now go tally whack some Aussie trunk! (WTF^^ mate?) Oh, and don't forget to where a cup. You never know what those terrorist ding-dongs are up to.

What is the point of all this? Well...the point is that I need to stop now before this turns into a gay romance novel.

Pea(ni)ce.

Yeah, I have 4 tests coming at me over the next three days, but I gotta take a break from studyin.

Today was "Ice Cream" day, so when I showed up to work, I was one of the only people there. After a few of the supervisors showed up, a guy walks in, and is sent over to me. I don't know why he was sent to me, I was on the phone. The guy stands across the room and starts yelling "Hey" at me until he gets my attention. I gave him the finger (no, not that one, the one that means "gimme a minute") and he walks away. So I'm a little peeved at the guy, because I was obviously on the phone, which means he must think he is the most important thing to ever live.

None of this really matters though. The real point I wanna make is coming up.

After I got off the phone, he was sent back to me. Instead of telling me his computer problem, he decides to lecture me on how the department I work for is wasting his tuition dollars. He told me to look around at all the people just standing around giggling while he had a problem. He said he would cut our staff down to 3 people if it were up to him.

I wish I could have said this to him:

What are you talking about? Do you think you are the only person that ever comes in here? I'm sorry that you came at a non-busy time, so God fobid some employess talk to each other for lack of things to do. Come back in an hour and try to get help, and you'll see that the 12 employees here are quite busy, answering phones, emails, and helping other walk in clients. The people "giggling" are all full time supervisors, they are here mostly to help the student employees, and right now I am the only student employee here. If you were in charge, you would be running the worst computer consulting service IN THE WORLD. Most people complain that they are put on hold forever when trying to contact us. And even if it wasn't as busy as that, it is helping a few students pay their tuition bills. Let's do some figuring -- say there are 20 student employees working 12 hours per week at $6.50/hr. If these wages were paid completely by your tuition, it comes to less than $2 per student at the University. But it's not all your tuition. include state funding, and add in the fact that the majority of the students there are part of the Federal Work Study program, tuition is hardly even a part of it. SO QUIT COMPLAINING! It hardly affects you, and is an enourmous help to those with less money.

Why would I even help the guy after his ignorant rant? I don't know. But I did. And I regretted it.

The guy fricken didnt even ask me a question. He said, "Anyway, I'm here because I have 6 password to deal with." That's nice. What do you want to do? "You tell me what I want to do." Oh, I love that one.

I took him to a website where he could change all the passwords associated with our department. He had no idea what any of them were for, so he asked me, and then got angry with me because, man I'm dumb, I actually assumed he was an intelligent person. Apparently he expected me to talk to him like a baby. What do you mean, what is express email? It's your fricken school email account! There is no way that you weren't given all kinds of information about that. You call me stupid for never having used the computer labs in the Union? Jeez, guy, you have some weird definitions of that word.

It ended up that the password he really wanted was one that I have no control over. He seemed angry about that too. Lay off buddy, its not my fault that one of your organizations decided to set up their own system without going through us. That's not my deal.

Worst.Client.ever.

Check next week for my review of Matrix revolutions, by the way.

Today was great. I cannot even express in words how awesome today was, but I'll give you the low down so you can get a general feeling for how spectacular it really was.

I woke up this morning to the sound of my cell phone ringing. I picked up the phone to hear the words, "Hey, where are you?" This conjures the question, "What time is it?" I look at the clock and see that it is 12:30 in the afternoon. Awesome. Not only did I miss 3 classes and almost the first half hour of work, I failed to turn in my homework to a class that doesn't accept late assignments.

See, the night previous, I had stayed up quite late working on homework for this class. Not that I put it off till the night before, it was just so educational that it takes 6 to 12 hours to do. I love educational homework, and I love being up late doing it. It's quite relaxing.

Now, I didn't quite finish this homework. My plan was to go to the first physics lecture at 8:30, skip my 10 o'clock class and finish what needed to be done (I had the answers in my head, just not on paper). It sounded like a sucky plan at the time, so I'm glad it was ruined.

Anyway, back to me on the phone.

"Uh...uh...uh...crap....uh..."
"I can't hear you it's kinda loud out here. Where are you?"
"Killing myself."
"I'm gonna have to call you back. I can't hear anything."

I go over to the clock to check what happened. The time is right, the alarm is set to 7 and turned on. Oh, haha, my clock loves me so much that if I don't turn it off it realizes that I want to sleep and that I set it by accident. I love my clock. It lets me sleep in when it knows I need it.

I throw on my clothes as fast as I can since I need to be at work in half an hour and the only bus that can get me there in time leaves in 5 minutes. I love being rushed in the morning. It really wakes me up.

So I go out, catch the bus. I kinda wished i missed it, I didnt really want to be on time for work anyway. I do as much of the already late homework as I can while riding the bus. I love doing homework on the bus, because it makes my work sloppy.

I get off the bus and attempt to run to the TA office. Surprise surprise, I have no clue where it is (it just so happens it’s in a really confusing building and is a maze to get to. So its good I didn’t go, otherwise I would have been really late for work).

So I go to work at the Help Desk and WHOOOO HOOOO! I get the highest number of annoying phone calls I've ever gotten in one day! Such as:

Caller: I hardly speak any of the, uh, English. I have problem with this box in front of me. I need virus scan on.
Me: Okay, go to your desktop-
Caller: What desktop?

or:

Caller: I don't like asking questions. So I'm at this webpage.
Me: Uh....Okay.
Caller: I'm here at this webpage.
Me: I assume so since you say you are there...
Caller: Well, since you obviously aren't psychic like you should be, I guess I should tell you my problem.
Me: that would be great....
Caller: I just want to know if I'm doing this right.
Me: You probably are. (thinking: AHHHHHHHHHHHH)
Caller: Okay, well then I guess that my question is, will it be in stock?
Me: YES!!!

While working, I find that the Lecturer has office hours in the same building, right then. I go up to his office (I can take a 3 minute break) to give it to him and explain the situation, but he isn't there. Oh right. He's in Italy. Sucks to be him, he has to go to places like Mexico, Hong Kong, and Italy every few weeks. SO I get to wait till after work to make my way through the maze that contains the TA office and slide it under the door.

So now I'm off to Engineering Hall to do other homework. I get everything going and put 3 hours into a masterpiece. I decide that since I haven't eaten and I am starving, that I should get something to eat before going home. I logout, and realize, oh, maybe I should have saved the file to my student account instead of the desktop. So I log back in and....DELETED! Awesome! It sucked anyway, now I get to redo it.

Well, since it needs to be turned in tomorrow, I'm gonna have to stay and do it again. But I really should eat first, before my stomach devours my brain.

While at Subway, I realized that I needed to hurt someone/something. So I beat the crap out of the little optimist inside my head. The employees of Subway seemed pretty amused, and my jealousy of their happiness was converted to rage, due to the lack of having a good side anymore. So I beat the crap out of everyone in there. And then I beat the crap out of everyone I saw on my way back to Engineering Hall.

Once back in Engineering Hall, suddenly everyone and their mother had shown up to work on some other gay projects and there wasn't a single seat left in the place. So I had to trot back to DCL where the other lab was.

So I sat in DCL working on it, and after about 2 hours I was back to where I had left off and Corey sends me a message saying "Hey, apparently we can work together." AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Why the crap did I just spend 2 extra hours doing this crap when all I had to do was say "Hey Corey, I do know how to do it, could we just turn in yours?"

Whatever.

Life sucks.

Especially days like this.

Harumph.

What a WONDERFUL day.

Here's a retarted poem. I cant tell you waht it's about because I havent written it yet. Its gonna be stream of consciousness, so don't expect it to make much sense. Or even flow too well.

go!

Once upon a time
In a little tiny house
Came a freezing pickle person
with a little tiny mouse

He fed the little guy
some bacon and chew
And inside his little wallet
He found an old shoe

He tried on the footwear
with care and finesse
and stomped on the little mouse
who had just gotten dressed

"Oh no" said the man
with the big burly sack
"I've killed him, he's daed
how can i ever get him back?"

"What was your intent?"
Asked officer McGee.
"It wasn't on purpose
Please don't arrest me"

And after four years in jail
sitting on cold hard floors
he found a mouse
one better than before.

And when it came time,
he was up for parole
and used the little mouse
to show he'd reformed in the hole.

But the parole board knew better
and took the mouse from his hand
better stop this right now,
before you kill again.

"It's just a fricken mouse!
How much longer will i stay?"
And with that, men in white suits
came and took him away.

"I killed my best friend
he was a mouse.
Now how is that so wrong?
Can you please let me out?"

"No. you are guilty
of a much higher crime.
You squashed the head of your friend,
John Edward Grime."

"hehe, oh yeah. He was a person. He just looked so mousy i had to squash him."

"You're cured. Back to jail with you!"

Hmm...that went better than I thought. Kinda creepy though...

Well, at 12:05 today, I was sleeping.

But that's not important. What's important is that I aged a whole year during that minute. Yesterday I was a teenager. Today I am old.

On September 21, 1983, my eyes saw light for the first time. I was a 9 pound, blue-eyed, brown-haired baby boy. Then all that changed (except for the boy part). My eyes cleared into a brownish-green color, my hair fell out and grew back red. I was a kinda chubby baby, but then I started to grow without actually gaining weight as my metabolism kicked in, and soon I was pretty underweight, but I was healthy.

I began to speak words like "da-da" and "ma-ma" soon after, and after a while of single words, me and my dad were looking out a window at the neighbor's giant of a dog, named Champ. My dad said, "Look at the horse!" to which I replied, "Champ big dog, no horse." It completely took my dad off guard that I knew more about animals than he did, so he grounded me.

By the time I had turned three I had good control over my memory, and then at 7 I began to pay attention to the world outside my front door, realizing that Galileo and Copernicus were right...The sun is center of the universe (i was a smart kid...okay i didn't know that).

13 was the next big step, the first year of officially being a teenager, seven years that are so painful and happy, so physically challenging, so intospective and emotional. The rush to become free, and the lack of means. The rebellion. The time that the women get HOT HOT HOT, just in time for us guys to start to love it.

Then there's the 18th birthday, where you start to say you are an adult as you are given that freedom you've been after for the past few years, but just say the word: eighTEEN. You're still a teenager, even if you won't admit it at the time.

Then comes twenty. You're all growds up, and you're growds up, and you're growds up. This is it, you are officially not a teenager anymore. You've lost the ability to blame everything on your age, and can no longer claim that people are profiling you for your age. There's nothing left to rebel against, and you finally have to start putting a lot of thought into what you want to do with your life.

Life isn't over though, that's the good thing, it's only about a quarter over. And if you look into the life you have in memory, you can take off three years, so you are actually only 17. And if you look at only the age that you are reasonable, you can take off 7 years, so really you're only 13. And if you really want to get into it, you can subtract all those years that you still weren't quite thinking for yourself, and really you are only 7. So on your Reasonable-Autonomous Age scale, you aren't even a teenager yet!

So i guess 20 isn't all that bad.

But I'm still gonna call myself twentyteen.

Ugh. Sickness is not a fun time. Not one bit.

When I was in grade school, I remember for a while sometimes hoping that I'd be sick, to miss school, maybe get some things done. It didn't take too long for me to realize how stupid that wish was...When I was sick, I'd sleep all day. Then I feel like crap and can't concentrate on getting anything done.

And then came college, where classes are practically optional, I get to sleep later anyway, and I have to do homework all the time. Actually, last year was good. Due to all the skipping of classes I did, I got plenty of rest and didn't get horribly sick at all. At least not enough to give me a legitimate reason to miss class...

Well, yesterday it finally happened. I got sick, and I am now remembering how crappy it is to be sick. It sucks even worse now than it did in high school! Especially when your professors all want homework turned in the first half of the week (tuesday is pretty popular). I think they all must have heard that students hate having work due at the end of the week because everyone does that, so all of them switched to the beginning of the week. It still sucks!

I hate how hard it is for me to concentrate when you can't stop sneezing for 5 minutes, and then when you finally do stop, your nose just uncontrollably runs for the next half hour. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Argh! Stupid virii! Stupid unfriendly bacterium! Argh! (talk like a pirate day in 3 days)

Another thing: when I lived with my mom, the nurse, I was never sick for more than a day. I'm still sick today. I needs me vitamin c.

At least I'm not as sick as that squirrel, who by the way, has learned a lesson and has taken to drinking non-alcoholic drinks (at least for now):

Anyway, if you need me, I'll be clearing my sinuses over a cup of Maruchan Instant Lunch.

So today I went to the Engineering Expo. The Engineering Expo is this big fat intership fair that the University of Illinois College of Engineering sponsers. Basically a bunch of companies that are thirsty for engineers come to U of I to bait a bunch of college students into their companies so that they can drink their blood. Dang Vampires. I mean, wait, I dunno what the heck I was talking about there. They come to U of I to hire people.

I'm not much of a talker and I dont really know the standard procedure for going up to a company and getting a job from them. In my mind, it should go like this:
Me: I am a Computer Scientist. Hire me.
Company: Okay. You start tomorrow.

But, due to "competition" and "manners", saying what I said their would probably do nothing but make sure that I would never work there ever. In reality I took this approach:

Me: Hi, I'm Mike O'Malley, a Sophmore in Computer Science. I was wondering what kinds of summer internships you have available.

Lucent: Okay, we do blah blah blah. Give me you resume. (i give it) We don't take resume's, so you have to go online to submit it, so I just wasted your time and the paper you printed this resume on.

-or-

nVidia(a la fat man w/ cigar): We hate sophmores. Now get ata here kid, yer buggin me.

-or-

Microsoft: That's great. Now write me a program on paper that does this thing that requires functions that you would have never learned in class ever, to prove that you are a CS student!

Actually the Microsoft thing wasn't too bad. In fact, it's the only place I went that it looks like I have any chance with. It really was a program that required stuff that I have no idea how I would have known had I not taught it to myself, and one function was just an assumption based on another function (but amazingly he said that it was real. I guess I'm just awesome like that). So when I brought it to him, he said that it was great and that I caught every error that he thought he might catch me on. Then he gave me a rubiks cube. So it sounds pretty good.

So all in all, it ended up being a pretty good day, except that I once again missed Physics this morning. But I have high hopes.

Anyway, the squirrel is back, and he's a puker:

How much spew could a squirrel upchuck if a squirrel could upchuck spew?

Good day to ya's.