CONRAD BLOG: Butterflies and Hurricanes

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February 27, 2005

Butterflies and Hurricanes

"She bit her lip."

That's what set it off for me. I realized I was at that very moment also biting mine and stopped.

What's my problem? I'm tense all the time. I'm high-strung. I'm type-A and I had some coffee a few hours ago but I got a guy feeling that isn't what this is about. Its about the conflict between contentedness and excellence.

To be content is to happy where you are. To be excellent is to be virtuosic at some aspect of life. Most people are content, some unhappy, and a handful are excellent. I know which one I am.

Charlie Peacock visited our school the other day and commented that our society doesn't value virtuosity, which is entirely true. Except that I do. I value it enough to stress out about it, but not enough to acheive it. I am lukewarm spittle.

I am bouncing around the issue again, being needlessly abstract. I hate people who do that. This is a blog, for crying out loud, not a poetry anthology. Alright the point is I want to be excellent. I am desparately driven to be the best. Right now I think that means being the best record producer I can be, perhaps better than I can be. There is entirely too little QUALITY in the world, I want to do something that is almost unarguably GOOD. I want to be a virtuoso, hence my discontent.

Life is full of wasted moments. Bite your lip. Life is lacking pure goodness. Bite your lip. Mediocrity is a grey noise in the universe, crowding out what is purely good and even purely bad. Bite your lip. You will be forgotten, BITE YOUR LIP. Your existence is white noise, BLEED YOUR LIP. You have not and will not change the course of the world. BLEED YOUR LIP. Cog in a gear in a waterwheel. Bite your lip. Insignificant. Bite your lip.

Whether or not any of that is true, i can never be content. I can't be satisfied. Of course the irony of this is that living in fear of life like I do may end it sooner - lets just say they don't call it "hypertension" for nothing. Life is short, you might as well try to be good.

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This blog entry sucks. I didn't say what I mean, or I didn't say it like I feel it, that's for sure. ::sigh:: maybe I'll revise it later.

Posted by pedalboy at February 27, 2005 3:06 AM | TrackBack

Comments

i think you might be looking at it the wrong way or else i read it wrong. of course you don't care about virtuosity enough to achieve it, what's the point? in itself it's empty, and as long as you think about yourseslf and whether or not you're excellent, that's still mediocrity. it's a result, not a goal.

also, you'll have to get over the "life is full of wasted moments...lacking pure goodness...insignificant" and fill your awareness with what's good and excellent, along with truth (which does include the depraved parts of life) and beauty. become less. observe these things and those other thoughts sink to nothing or are exposed as lies. become less. otherwise what do you have to express that's worthwhile? you have to believe what you're doing is unarguably good instead of trying to be that, then "serve" it without considering YOU. and, it's a never ending process, of course you're discontent but have that lead to action instead of stressing that you aren't there yet, no one ever has gotten there, some have just gotten closer than others.

ACT on it, every day, or it could be worse than those who at least don't care.

hope this makes some sense.
this blog response sucks

Posted by: skaught at March 5, 2005 1:37 AM

Conrad Blog:

February 27, 2005

Butterflies and Hurricanes