Conrad Blog:

News In Brief

News in Brief
By Matt Good, your reporter in the field.

Google Unveils Google Coach
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA (Business Wire) - Today Internet search giant Google unveiled the newest product in its lineup – Google Coach. Designed to be a personal life coach for the internet set, Google Coach will serve as a surrogate frontal lobe for many a sunlight-deprived internet user. It will also help you find the nearest gym, get you to your appointments on time, and pick out what clothes to wear in the morning. One of the more interesting features (appropriately titled G-Plea) will actually scour the web for the perfect apology and deliver it to your girlfriend for you. The new product uses Google’s proprietary search algorithm to probe deep into your darkest childhood secrets and regrets, allowing advertisers to present you with the perfect guilt trip, boosting the ad’s effectiveness. Google’s stock jumped ten percent upon the announcement.

Area Shrub Sues President for Defamation of Character
GREENVILLE, IL (Associated Press) - The area shrub located on the corner of College Ave. and North Prairie St. filed a civil suit against United States President George W. Bush today, for giving the otherwise popular shrub a bad name. “If the leader of the free world wants to act afool on an international scale, that’s his prerogative,” stated the ficus, “but going around identifying himself with peace-loving, NPR-listening plants such as myself, shoot…” The suit calls for thousands of dollars in damages to be awarded to the foliage, as well as a clause asking that the President now be referred to as George W. Smartypants.

Ex-Fed Greenspan Uses Restroom, U.S. Markets Plunge
WALL STREET (Reuters) - Upon reports that the Ex-Chairman of the Federal Reserve Alan Greenspan used the bathroom earlier today, the Dow Jones Industrial Average plummeted as panicked investors began a selling frenzy. Stock trader John Contrarian expressed things this way: “Boy oh boy… Watching the ticker today was like watching the toilet water swirl and eventually go down the drain.” Most analysts are confident the movement was an aberration and will not affect the overall economy, but some aren’t so sure. “If Greenspan can just go to the bathroom any time he wants without any sort of warning or statement, what confidence do we have that the bull market will continue?” Studying the situation carefully, current Fed Ben Bernanke reportedly responded by exclaiming, “They never do this when I poop!!!”