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To All My Amnesty Buds...
John Brittinghams Mother
Next time you hear me sigh, you'll know what I mean.
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July 21, 2006

To All My Amnesty Buds...

All my Amnesty Letters Ex-Bandmates will sincerely enjoy this...

"Nintendo Sixty FOUR!!!!!!!!!!"

Posted by pedalboy at 11:53 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

July 20, 2006

John Brittinghams Mother

John Brittingham's Mother loves my album.

Posted by pedalboy at 10:33 PM | TrackBack

July 18, 2006

Next time you hear me sigh, you'll know what I mean.

It was a wilderness-black night, right after the worst storm of the season. I personally had only seen the flashbulb lightening without any wind or rain. But all around me there were the effects of a bad storm. The shade tents at my church had been bent like a child clumisly stepping on a model railroad. Even the old Weeping Willow tree that had been there for as long as I can remember was snapped in half, apparently by violent wind. While I must have been miles away, unseen forces were at work, tearing apart the fragile and the strong all at once.

I had just been rejected for the sixth progressively less interesting job I'd had a reasonable chance of getting. As I drove home over the pathetic confetti of tree limbs and wet leaves, I realized that, miles away, unseen forces were at work, tearing apart my fragile emotions and strong self-confidence all at once.

THere are a number of things making me unhappy right now. Lets just hit on a few of them to make me feel better. The left-front wheel of my car could fly off at any minute. Not entirely unrelated to that problem is the constant rattle and shake coming from the same wheel well. I'll spare you the details of the seven or eight holes in my car, currently filled with stuff like liquid nails, reinforced with chicken wire. My job at work (which is ending in approximately two weeks) is unsatisfying because I'm running out of things I can be doing and forced to "look busy" all the time. The twenty minutes it will take to write this is the only "alone time" i've had with my self in probably two weeks. I can't write music. Earlier in the day I lost a game of mini-golf after showing strong promise early on - which is a well-documented trend, in fact - vis a vis my current situation. I'm getting married in three weeks and I have to work very hard these days to focus on good things like that. Mostly I just wonder what the hell went wrong.

I think about what people say - "The winners are the ones that don't take it personally and get out there and keep at it," etc, etc... I have the kind of fortitude that would allow me to do that. But I don't want to keep at it, for the same reason I hold back tears while I drop Kristin off at home. I'm in conflict between a demonstrated confidence in my abilities, intelligence, and motivation and the situation that is so rapidly becoming apparent that no one can find something useful enough for me to do on earth that they would afford me the chance to live off it. Believe me, I feel like crying. And believe me, I'm comfortable with two conflicting ideas living together in my mind. This time, I just can't reconcile it. Either a positive attitude or tears would signify one idea winning out against the other - and I just can't decide which reality is most appropriate. For right now, I just feel like sleeping.

Obviously, I'm in a bit of a state. And it is NOT likely to be resolved until my life stops being wasted. If there are any older and/or wiser people reading this, blaming it primarily on that sense of entitlement noticeable in many recent college grads, I offer this in my defense: I do not expect a job to fall into my lap. However, speaking in fiscal terms, an education, however, is an investment, and if it produces no return (as so far it is failed to do), it is obviously not a very good one. At any rate, I feel marginalized, locked out of a social structure that I find appealing and unavoidable.

So next time you hear me sigh, this is what I mean.

Posted by pedalboy at 1:47 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack