As I untied the halter from around my neck, the teal color of my dress caught my eye in the mirror. It matched the eye shadow on a face framed with curls. For once I couldnít tell if my eyes were lying or not. Probably because I couldnít tell if I was lying or not. Part of me believed that the make-up and dress and curls were there to hide something, some truth. But part of me wanted to believe that maybe this could be me. Maybe, for once, all I had to worry about was whether or not the eye shadow matched the dress.
I smiled at myself, and continued to get ready for bed. The evening had been somewhat uneventful. Though when I looked back, I realized that it was my reaction to things that had been uneventful for once. Everything had been okay. I grabbed the hanger for my dress and paused for a moment, looking at the material. Odd how a certain thing will always remind of a night, and a moment. There are so many little things that I associate with so many random people.
As I hung the dress up in my closet I stopped again. There it was, another dress, from another event. Iíd asked my mother to send it to me when I needed a dress for the event I had attended that night, in case I didnít find anything at the mall. I found what I was looking for at the mall, in a teal dress, yet the next day the box came, with this other dress wrapped in tissue.
Almost three years since I had worn that dress. I didn't have to consult the calendar, I just knew. I had considered wearing it tonight, even after buying another dress. I had asked countless girlfriends which one they thought was better and had an equal response for either. In the end I chose the teal dress. Partly because it was new and I liked it, but partly because I didnít want to change the memory of the other dress. A new dress, a new me, I thought. I could wear the new dress without remembering the last night I wore it.
So I hung up my teal dress, next to my other memories. I proceeded to wash the make-up from my face and the curls from my hair. And I promised that someday Iíd let myself wear that dress again. Just not tonight.
I couldn't sleep again. I realize its not really very late, but I try to keep a somewhat normal schedule since I'm up before 8 am seven days a week. In reality I'm just too inpatient to go to bed some nights. Like most things in life, I want instant results. I've actually gone to bed three times already tonight, and gotten up again.
But really, this post was supposed to be about the dreams I've been having lately. They've been crazy and all over the place. Most of them I don't remember very well, but there have been a lot. I guess the central theme has been travel in some sense or another.
I dream I'm in France, and planning on traveling all across Europe before heading down to Australia and New Zealand to say hello to everyone there. The odd thing though, is that even though I'm far away from everything, everyone I know is there. I'm yelling at my sister, telling her she's not allowed to travel with my again after her last two trips and the problems that ensued. And all my friends, the old and the new are there. But all I want to do is travel and see stuff and do it on my own.
I was at the airport a few weeks ago, and the plane at the gate next to mine was going to Hawaii and then on to Australia. I wondered if anyone would notice if I got on it.
I woke up at five this morning frantic because I realized my passport was in Illinois at my parent's place. It somehow scared me that I couldn't leave the country if I just wanted to.
I'm starting to get this sense of panic about how things are going. I don't have the money to travel right now, but part of me worries that if I don't do it now, I never will. The odd thing is is that my experience abroad last year wasn't all that great. Parts of it were really difficult. But come on, I'm starting graduate school next year. If I don't travel now, when will I?
Graduate school- theres a whole other can of worms. I haven't told anyone here that I'm not coming back next year. I'm contemplating just packing up and leaving, not doing that whole good bye thing. I don't know where I would have chosen to go had I had a choice. Part of me is relieved not to have to choose. And yet, I feel like I've failed so badly in all of this.
Failed- one of less than 3000 people to be admitted to a vet med program for fall of 2005 in the US and I use words like failed to describe it. I tell people, and they get so excited for me. I know its amazing, its what I've been working so hard for, and yet it is such an effort to muster the excitement for it sometimes.
I've had my doubts about my choices for colleges recently, but somehow I'm still not quite ready to admitt that I made a mistake coming here. I don't think I did, but you'll always wonder. I guess I would always wonder if I hadn't done it, though. Admitting I can't stay here is some of the hard part, though. Its like yelling to the world I made a mistake. I feel like I've let my father down, and failed at something I set out to do. even though I don't think I want what I set out to do anymore, which was attend vet school here.
And the term payment keeps circling around in my head. I've learned so much about myself in coming here. I've had to own up to many things I might have been able to gloss over or avoid otherwise. But then my question becomes whether this has all been worth it or not. I know so much, but I'm afraid I've paid to high a price, lost too much, hurt too much to learn all of that. And now, I'm running again.