This is going to ramble, so don't say I didn't warn you.
This will probably be the closest thing you'll get to a Chrsitmas entry from me.
First, a random memory, one of my favorite from Christmas. It was the Saturday before the NUtcracker. I know this because we were doing a full dress rehearsal at the studio. Being at the studio meant that there were two shows worth of mice, and children running around upstairs (and of course their parents). You couldn't even walk through the dressing room, and with all of those people the studio was unbearably hot. We had just finished snow, one of the longest and hardest pointe pieces in the show. I was wearing my long white tutu with the head piece and my pointe shoes. I was too hot, so I went downstairs and walked outside. That's my favorite part, the feeling of standing on a street in downtown elmhurst wearing a tutu and pointe shoes with snowflakes coming down around me in the freezing cold air.
I am thinking about the nutcracker today. Makes sense, since its the season for it and all. Truthfully though, I generally start thinking about the Nutcracker on Halloween, mainly because I remember years when we had rehearsals on Halloween and we'd all bring in candy to share while we danced. (A bunch of ballerinas on a sugar high. )
Thinking about it now is bittersweet. I miss it. I think I miss just being a part of something the most. I miss knowing every step to every dance because I'd seen them so many times. I miss knowing every note of every song by heart. I miss the costumes. I miss the people. Every year we were all in it together. From September to December we spent our weekends working on dances, fighting over costumes, and helping each other out. The shows aren't about dancing for an audience, they're about knowing that if you fall on stage your friends will come always help you up. Its about the feeling in the dressing room when everyone's getting ready. These people know exactly how to do all the clasps on your tutu and if you forgot hairspray five people will be giving you theirs in a heartbeat.
I miss them, I miss my family. There were so many things we all just knew about each other after so many years. Our warm ups before shows were done in a certain order. And I don't think I realized until it was all over how much those people meant to me. We could keep one another going through anything. Now I'm sitting in my apartment thinking about the dance classes I take here at the University. I don't know anyone's name, and when I'm there I feel like I'm standing in the wrong spot at the bar, and that my leotard's the wrong color. No one yells my name and hugs me when I come in.
Its been five years, you'd think I'd have stopped missing it so much by now. But I still do. Its hard this time of year to remember those people. I could depend on them, I knew they'd be there. Now I don't know much at all, except that there's no one next to me with an extra can of hairspray if I forget mine.