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February 1, 2007

Bush Lauds Terror Bust in Boston

"Axis of Evil" lead by Turner Networks.
By Matthew Good, Staff Writer - Feb. 1, 2007

BOSTON, MA - After nearly being brought to it's knees, the city of Boston is safe today from terrorist alien plots headed by mega-media conglomerates, President Bush declared in a white house press conference earlier today. "Thanks to the tireless work of many a Bosto.... Bostanite... Bostin... Bostonians, we have prevailed once again in the face of unspeakable evil."

The terrorist plot foiled in Boston involved the advertising of a popular cable television cartoon show, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, owned by Turner Networks, now believed to have ties to Al-Qaeda. Two member of the terrorist ring were arrested today after a vigilant police secretary found videos of the pair setting up their IADs (Improvised Advertising Devices) on YouTube. Google, who owns YouTube, is not believed to have terrorist connections. (The RIAA, however, is proceeding with litigation to sue for improper use of the video's background music, The Clash's "I fought the law.")

While Bush congratulated the city of Boston for its effective disaster preparedness procedures in his statement, Bush also criticized other cities for their lack of sensitivity to terrorist acts. According to sources, similar terrorist activities were already underfoot in several major US cities, including Los Angeles, Chicago, Atlanta, Seattle, Portland, Austin, San Francisco, Philadelphia, and most notably, New York - a city that has had a history of terrorist plotting. "Quite frankly, I'm appalled that a great city like New York, one which has seen first hand the dangers of terrorist activity, would be blind to the obvious threat these jagged-looking 2-dimensional alien advertisements were posing," said Bush.

Bomb squads immediately went to work defusing the advertisements, making Boston once again safe for the paranoid losers who live there.

Police crews rush to defuse the terrorist propaganda
[Image Caption: Police crews rush to defuse the terrorist propaganda.]

Authorities say that this was not an isolated incident. A statement issued by an ATF spokesperson noted that this was an act of organized crime, perpetrated by a terrorist cell that has been active in the United States for a number of years. Bush also used harsh rhetoric to describe the head of the organization, saying "Turner Networks is part of an Axis of Evil. Our intelligence indicates that they have acquired control of our media, and may have weapons of mass destruction hidden deep within their offices. 'Aqua Teen' isn't very good anyway. Except for Meatwad - I like the way he thinks."

At the behest of the Department of Homeland Security, the FCC has decided in an emergency session to stop the broadcast of Cartoon Network programming overseas. It is expected that this will stem tide of American popular culture exports to terrorist organizations, rendering them incapacitated, and tragically unhip. Without knowing what sort of cartoon characters are giving the finger to today's American audiences, the terrorists will be completely unable to advertise their propaganda in our streets, and will be forced to go back to their old methods of trying to blow our streets up.

Bush's stated future plans include hanging a giant "Mission Accomplished" banner between several large buildings in metropolitan Boston, as well as bringing an aircraft carrier into the commercial district so he can land on it and declare victory. As a closing remark to his press conference, Bush confessed, "I didn't even know we broadcast Cartoon Network in Iraqistan."

Posted by pedalboy at February 1, 2007 12:34 PM | TrackBack

ahem...paranoid losers? thanks, matty. thanks a lot.

for the record, i missed all the excitement. i had no idea this was happening yesterday and i even live on storrow drive between the BU and longfellow bridges. where was i? oh yeah, i was in the suburbs working and making money so i can continue to be a paranoid loser and live in boston.

however, that second to last paragraph is a classic, matty. way to represent the junior woodchucks. :)

Posted by: kate at February 1, 2007 3:20 PM

This is neither spam nor porn. Its just awesome. And ATHF related.

Posted by: mallio at February 1, 2007 3:21 PM

The terrorists speak! apparently they did it because they are confused by 70's

Posted by: mallio at February 1, 2007 3:44 PM

aw mike I was confused, I was searching reddit so I could furiously mod up that video and then I realized I got to it from here :(

Posted by: dk at February 2, 2007 1:09 AM

I didn't get some of this because I don't follow the news, but I thought it was funny and weird. You are smart. That's all for now.

Posted by: Katelin at February 4, 2007 9:08 PM
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