September 8, 2003

SUV Owners Capture Iraqi Oil Field – U.S. Military Outnumbered (9/8/2003: Rhet 143)

This one requires a little explaining. In my intermediate expository writing class we had to draw headlines out of a hat (actually a Jolly Rancher bag) and write and "Onion" style article about it. Here it goes...

By Daniel Petrella
Foreign Correspondent

BAGHDAD – More than four months after President Bush declared the end of major fighting in Iraq, the U.S. military is overwhelmed. Since the fighting stopped the Armed Forces have lost over 100 personnel. But this time it is not car bombers or four year olds with grenade launchers that have the leaders of the world’s largest military scratching their heads. It is a group of soccer mom’s, corporate vice presidents, young celebrities, and men with overcompensation issues.
In the early hours of yesterday morning, a group of soldiers from the 3rd Infantry division stationed at an oil field near Al Basrah noticed something on the horizon.
“There was a cloud of dust to the north,” said Private Brian Hillsburg, a native of Tulsa Oklahoma. “We thought it was either a group of Iraqis fleeing the country or maybe a military vehicle bring us our shipment of mail, cigarettes, and this month’s “Girls of the Big Ten” issue of Playboy.”
Hillburg and his fellow soldiers heard what sounded like loud bass as the dust cloud moved closer. It soon became clear that the approaching dust cloud was being raised by a massive group of Sport Utility Vehicles.
“The first thing we saw was a Cadillac Escalade racing toward us,” explained Corporal Timothy Green. “It was blasting what I thought was “In Da Club” by 50 Cent. Private Hillsburg said it was “P.I.M.P. We argued for a few minutes, but when the SUV got close enough to hear the words it turned out he was right. I made him do 50 push ups.”
Within a few minutes the group of 100 soldiers guarding the oil field were surrounded by a group of 3000 Ford Expeditions, Chevy Blazers, Toyota 4Runners, H2s, and other SUVs of varying makes and sizes. The group was comprised of members of Sport Utility Vehicle Owners of America (SUVOA).
When contacted for comment the group’s Vice President of Events Andrew Spearman stated, “We’re tired of getting a bad rap for our choice of automobile. People are always saying SUV drivers guzzle gas, cause a lot of pollution, and hog the road. We wanted to do something to show we care about America. That’s why we gathered a group of SUV owners to capture that oil field. We’re going to sell the oil to Americans for half the normal price.”
The military personnel stationed at the oil field were caught off guard by the well-organized maneuver staged by the SUV owners.
“You really can never underestimate the organizational skills of PTA room moms. Anyone who can teach holiday arts and crafts to thirty snotty nosed second graders has a lot of the aptitude it takes to command and action of this sort,” commented Lt. Leon McNeal of the 3rd Infantry.
Mother of three and substitute teacher Mary Hendrickson explained her involvement in the take over, “The serious fighting ended over four months ago and we’ve yet to see a drop of cheap Iraqi oil in the U.S. Isn’t that the reason we fought this war in the first place? My Excursion only gets three miles to the gallon and I’ve got three kids to put through college.”
When asked for a comment General Frank Flack said, “Sure our humvees have machine guns mounted on them, but those H2s have 5 disc CD changers, a great sound system, leather interior, and about 36 cup holders. Ours don’t even have one.”
After the question was clarified the general said, “Well, we have to find a way to get them out of there without violence. We’ve been having discussions with many of the mother’s children and suggesting that they call their mothers and ask them to come home because they’ve gotten sick. So far responses have been mixed.”

Posted by dpetrella at September 8, 2003 4:41 PM

Hehe, men with overcompensation problems need hummers. hehe.

Posted by: Mallio at September 8, 2003 8:02 PM

Hey there Dan!! this was really funny.. well written I hope you got a good grade on it!!!! Hope all is well!!!

Posted by: Dena at October 1, 2003 10:23 AM
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