October 3, 2004

My Box

Its odd, living in your own little box. Most people consider dorm rooms to be little boxes that they stuff college kids into. I technically don't live in the dorms anymore, but its still university housing, and sometimes I think its still a box. I guess the best/worst thing about it is that its my box. Completely mine. There is no one else who can come in if I don't want them to, because I'm the only one with the key. This is the second year I've lived by myself. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, honestly. I think its good, it helps other people think that I may not be insane. Having your own room means no one yells when you write on the walls in chalk, or on the windows, or have song lyrics that make no sense to some people, but make way to much sense to you. Having your own box means you have control. You don't have to answer the door if you don't want to, you don't have to pick up the phone. People come in, and sometimes they comment on the pictures, or the lyrics. Even some of those I hide, though. One side of my closet doors has an attack squrriel sign and pictures of mybest friend. People look at those and laugh. And then they look at the other side, and don't understand. The door of lost souls I call it, if they ask. People I had to let go of, or who I didn't deserve. The lyrics and peotry there are all in french. Even in my own box there are things I don't want visitors to see. When my parents come to visit it all has to change. No one wants a daughter who's not really sane. Down come all of the song lyrics, some of the pictures of people my mother would prefer I didn't remember. I have to wash the walls and the windows. And it kills me, each time I do it. But I know it would be harder to have to explain what those things really mean to me, to tell them that I'm not okay. I like having my own room, no one questions when I stare out of the window for hours at the river, instead of donig my homework. At the same time, there is no one to ask me if everything's okay. I feel safe when I lock the door before going to bed, because I'm the only one who has the key. But some nights I sleep down on my futon, instead of in my bed. Not because I'm too tired to climb up, but because I want to sleep with my back against the back of the futon, and have something there behind me while I sleep. Its scary sometimes, knowing that if you didn't wake up it would probably be a good week until someone started to wonder where you were. But I suppose I should get back to studying. Maybe I'll put on some music, or open the door and let some noise in. Or maybe I'll just enjoy the peace and quiet of knowing no one can bother me unless I unlock my door.

Posted by allison at October 3, 2004 7:48 PM

That was the most poignant part for me. Its akin to letting yourself be open to relationships just as much as you like - being in control, not getting hurt.

But life is a box like this. You build up your own little existence and it sucks when some of it has to come down. But the best part about it for me is when somebody comes in and validates something about your life (or your dorm room). A box is no good unless it can be shared (even if you control the amount of which that takes place).

Not to be the jerk who doesn't get you and you don't want to explain things to, but who don't you deserve on the door of lost souls? (A rhetorical question) The idea of unworthiness that comes from that makes me sad.

But, dang you're a good writer!

Posted by: matt at October 25, 2004 4:02 PM

Good information, thank

Posted by: color hair at October 10, 2006 3:08 AM
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