November 20, 2004

I don't really get what the joke is, can somebody fill me in?

"You're the one who wanted to talk about this, and now you won't even look at me while we do," he said with a note of frustration in his voice.
Part of me felt triumph at finally causing him some form of emotion. I think that was the reason I pushed him so hard sometimes, was just to see what he would do. The reason I had gotten into this mess with him in the first place, because when he kissed me it had been the first real time I had seen him need something from me, the same way I seemed to need so much from him. And now here I was, curled up in the corner of his couch, facing away from him, while I tried to understand how this could mean one thing to me, and something so vastly different to him.
"I won't look at you because I am crying," I retorted back. "And you are not allowed to see me cry."
I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he had the power to make me cry, when I couldn't seem to touch his heart at all. So even though the tears in my voice were obvious, and the hair over my face a mask he could see through, I refused to look at him.
The night got worse from there, one I will never forget, but that line and that last crumb of pride I clung to will be one of the sharpest memories of it.
A year later
I started out laughing, "My room flooded this weekend. I got up Saturday morning and had the pleasure of my socks squishing into the carpet." It was a funny story, though not so funny at the time it had happened.
"Well that sucks." he said back at me.
"Yeah, and you know the lab manual you lent me?" I began. "It got wet too, along with the other books that were in my backpack on the floor."
And I was still laughing. He smiled over at me from the bed. But my laughter quietly became slightly desperate, and before I knew it, the weight of everything that had been taking place in my life hit at once. And the laughter suddenly changed to tears, in a manner that only a highly stressed out politely insane girl can accomplish. My hair fell forward to cover my face as I pulled my sweater tighter around me, as if trying to hold myself together. It was the first time he had ever seen me cry without hiding it from him. It was possibly the first time I had cried around him for reasons other than him.
He got up off the bed and walked across the room towards me, saying "its okay, its just a lab manual, and one I didn't need anymore anyways."
As he reached me, he put his arms around me, and I put my head onto his shoulder, shaking as tears streamed off my face onto his sweater.
The part of my mind that always seems to be observing my life as opposed to actually living it pointed out that this was not only the first time I'd let him see me cry, but the first time I'd ever let myself sob on anyone's shoulder.
As his hands rubbed my back it all started to tumbled out.
"I, just, the flood, and maintenance didn't come, and all these tests and I haven't really slept in almost a week, my Dad's sick, and I'm so tired, and there's no one here, there's no one ever here, and I don't have anyone to talk to and and and I'm so tired."
My sobs and rampant thoughts slowed down as I stood in the arms of a boy who was only there for me when I begged him to be. But it was the best I had and I needed someone more than I ever had before.
After hugging me a few minutes more, he dealt with things the way we both always did.
"I was going to watch a movie, have a seat."
Just like that, it had never happened.
And I wondered how someone I had once refused to cry in front of had become the only person left for me to turn to when I was most alone.

Posted by allison at November 20, 2004 8:34 PM
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