January 31, 2005

Walk With Me

ďYouíre the most self-sufficient girl I know.Ē

It still seems odd to me that out of that entire conversation that one statement is the thought that has stuck in my mind over the past few days. When he first made it I asked him what he meant by it. He told me that it was the fact that I always take care of myself. He made the examples that I can cook for myself and clean, but I knew what he meant. And I guess I couldnít really argue with him.
Iíve always insisted on taking care of myself. If I wanted something I made the money to earn it. Even now, while my parents help with tuition, I buy my own groceries and basically support my living conditions. My mother asks if I need money and I say no because while I donít need money I think that even if I did I would say no.

But its not just about money. Its about the fact that I take care of everything for myself. I canít afford parking here so I make sure I can take the bus to get groceries and go to work without having to ask anyone for a ride. When I wanted to go to Australia I set everything up and went.

I guess my friend was right about my being self-sufficient. The only problem is that Iíve come to realize that perhaps I donít want to be this self-sufficient. Iíve tried so hard to insist that I donít need any help that I no longer have any, nor am I able to ask for it. I donít want to have to depend on anyone for anything, yet it would be nice to have someone I could depend on. Someone who would walk me to the hospital when I need stitches, someone who would make me a birthday cake so that I didnít have to bake my own.

And presently I find myself in a classic catch-22. I wonít be mentally capable of handling a relationship until I can do it without needing someone and yet I canít find a way out of what Iím in without the help of someone else.

He called me self-sufficient but failed to realize that that was why I was there, to ask for his help, to stop being self-sufficient.

Posted by allison at January 31, 2005 11:18 PM
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