April 17, 2005


As I untied the halter from around my neck, the teal color of my dress caught my eye in the mirror. It matched the eye shadow on a face framed with curls. For once I couldnít tell if my eyes were lying or not. Probably because I couldnít tell if I was lying or not. Part of me believed that the make-up and dress and curls were there to hide something, some truth. But part of me wanted to believe that maybe this could be me. Maybe, for once, all I had to worry about was whether or not the eye shadow matched the dress.
I smiled at myself, and continued to get ready for bed. The evening had been somewhat uneventful. Though when I looked back, I realized that it was my reaction to things that had been uneventful for once. Everything had been okay. I grabbed the hanger for my dress and paused for a moment, looking at the material. Odd how a certain thing will always remind of a night, and a moment. There are so many little things that I associate with so many random people.
As I hung the dress up in my closet I stopped again. There it was, another dress, from another event. Iíd asked my mother to send it to me when I needed a dress for the event I had attended that night, in case I didnít find anything at the mall. I found what I was looking for at the mall, in a teal dress, yet the next day the box came, with this other dress wrapped in tissue.
Almost three years since I had worn that dress. I didn't have to consult the calendar, I just knew. I had considered wearing it tonight, even after buying another dress. I had asked countless girlfriends which one they thought was better and had an equal response for either. In the end I chose the teal dress. Partly because it was new and I liked it, but partly because I didnít want to change the memory of the other dress. A new dress, a new me, I thought. I could wear the new dress without remembering the last night I wore it.
So I hung up my teal dress, next to my other memories. I proceeded to wash the make-up from my face and the curls from my hair. And I promised that someday Iíd let myself wear that dress again. Just not tonight.

Posted by allison at April 17, 2005 10:24 PM
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